Blacksmith

http://blacksmithbureau.blogspot.co.uk/

Thursday, 3 May 2012Aftermath
Normal service is now resumed in our formatting after the heap of junk that Dell Computers sold the Bureau network was hurled into a skip with oaths and imprecations two weeks ago and we are editing on smart new HP machines instead of drumming our fingers while phoning Bengal. Even now a writ is winging its way to Dell with a smile on its face and its hand held out for money. Never buy Dell Computers – and because we are bloggers not journalists you can assume that we are not in the pay of HP but trustworthy in our advice.

Social Diary

The English calendar includes many joyful days, whether at Royal Ascot, Christmas dinner, Wimbledon finals, the state opening of Parliament or even, on a more sombre note, Remembrance Sunday.At the same time sanity and survival involve taking sensible precautions on certain key days of the year.

Don’t go to Kilburn High Road on St Patrick’s night, for instance; don’t wear your big Rolex at the Notting Hill carnival closing day; don’t don your Manchester United shirt to visit the Brittania Arms opposite Chelsea’s Stamford Bridge on FA Cup semi-final day; don’t shout “Remember Culloden!” on New Year’s Eve in Glasgow’s Sauchiehall Street.

The consequences of failing to exercise such discretion include, respectively, total immersion in multi-coloured stomach-contents, Rolex loss, being stripped naked and hurled into the Chelsea streets covered in beer, or left lying amongst further stomach outputs – McVomit – with re-arranged teeth.





Another McCann Memorial Day Interview is Announced

To these we must add a new Social Diary entry – the annual McCann Memorial Day, falling at the beginning of May, which combines assault, time loss and gargantuan lorry loads of retchmeat and McVomit in one tremendous package. After four years it lacks only an anthem to be sung in public spaces, football grounds and the House of Commons Media Committee room. It will come, of course, and no doubt someone will approach Borat and Prince Andrew Lloyd-Webber with a view to writing one, perhaps going something like this:



We vow to thee our country,

A day we’ll ne’er forget

Her eyes so bright, her skin so light

Than e’er before we’ve met



Chorus (at Madonna double time with rock machine drumming)



Keep on rocking, don’t stop the search,

Don’t stop, don’t stop, just keep up the search,



We pledge to thee our nation

This oath we won’t betray

Our will so strong, our arms so long

We’ll have her home one day



Chorus (as before)



Keep on rocking, don’t stop the search

Don’t stop, don’t stop, just keep up the search.



Etc.



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Keep our homes and streets safe!
So bad is it, indeed, that the Bureau is petitioning the Health & Safety Executive to provide warning notices at all UK airports and on 50% of street lamps, and the mobilization of mobile loudspeaker vans to tour all cities with this message:

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McCann Memorial Day



Warning! Do not read any newspaper today. Switch off all televisions and radios. Carry an airline type vomit bag at all times. Ensure all blood-pressure medication is taken at dawn. Stay inside and be safe! Sirens will sound when it is safe to emerge.

Parked cars will be towed away.



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